It is a very frustrating experience to connect with an emotionally unavailable person. I met many people in my life who comes under this umbrella, some of them are now my good friends. Growing up, I have noticed a visible difference in the emotional availability between the genders. Men tend to choose the route of emotional unavailability more than women. Nevertheless, women become emotionally unavailable to the people outside their limited circle. Because of my curiosity of finding how their mind works, I had a multiple conversations with people who are ’emotionally unavailable’ in their own sense or by the others.
Have you wondered what goes in an emotionally unavailable person’s mind? After researching and speaking to many people, here is what I have found –
First of all, emotionally unavailable persons do have emotions and sometimes more intense than us, but they choose to hide them. Their cynicism makes them emotionally unavailable to the others. Their decision of being ’emotionally unavailable’ is a fear based decision. There could be many fears influencing their mindset; such as heartbreak, losing of someone or something, and list goes on. Their fear of being a vulnerable person is their constant worry.
I spoke to my close friend who has mentioned many times that he has difficulty to carry a conversation related to any serious emotion. Even when someone dies in his family, he chooses to leave the house and gets busy in something else. His act makes him an emotional inaccessible person. But he claimed that, it is his way of dealing with the things ever since teenage when he lost his parents.
After having similar conversations with few people, I have realized that this is a learned behavior. These people have trained their mind, they were not born like this. Somewhere in their life they were hurt or felt the threat of hurt so deeply that they decided to shut off their emotions and might have turned careless or even hostile. They have chosen to keep their distance from people.
An emotionally unavailable person is not detached but in a denial. They do have emotions, but they lack in the ability of accepting and showing them. They feared from getting attach and face their vulnerability. An emotionally unavailable person will not invest much in relationships and keep them on the surface. Idea of being attached is horrifying for them.
An emotionally unavailable person will feed certain emotions and ignore others. They feed emotions of pride, humor, anger and disappointment. Emotionally unavailable persons deny emotions such as love, sensitivity, vulnerability and empathy. They do not count on many people and others can’t count on them either. These overprotective people do not like to have a deep conversation because they fear to reveal too much information about themselves. But this phase is temporary, somewhere in them, they have wish to connect emotionally. Just like everyone else, they also want to grow old with someone special. However to that, they will have to get rid of their fears. You must start taking risks and start believing in good.
“’It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” Alfred Lord Tennyson.
Some of us are on the other side of the bridge, where they are in relationship with the emotionally unavailable person. It is difficult and frustrating at the times. Relationships and friendships will remain surface, non-committal and unreliable. This is because they are emotionally unavailable and it is not because of who you are. Therefore, stop suffering and accept that this is all they can offer. All the love you want to give to them and give it to yourself because you are worth it.
Now you have better understanding of an emotionally unavailable person’s mind. If you know one, have patience since change does not happen over night.
Love and Sunshine from Rose Colored Glasses.